Probing intensely for medicinal porpoises

Jim Banholzer

Our sagacious Psychology instructor at CSI served up a recent quandary to “headucate” our class. She caught us off guard asking, “Those of you who are for conducting scientific experiments on animals, please raise you hands.” About half the hands flew up, like chickens winging it to higher tiered henhouses. Then she asked, “How many of you are against this?” About two hands flew up. Several of us had not voted so class members asked for a recount. Our instructor continued, stating, “You are either for animals getting pricked and prodded or you’re against it.” I was dumbfounded and responded, “Well it depends on what you’re testing them for.” I raised a half-voting hand and held the other strongly to the floor, claiming that I was both for and against farming out animal experiments, contingent on the circumstances. Then I blurted out, How about testing for the positive effects of massage on dolphins? I’m all for that. Or on horses? There are people up here who massage horses, of course.

I carried these thoughts home in the twilight, thinking about what other constructive tests we should be conducting on our animal cousins. How about a chart correlating the snapping-dog drop off ratio for meter readers who establish outstanding relationships with pups via freely extending belly rubs and pats on the head?

How about lobbying your powerful congressperson to demolish those darned river dams blocking salmon’s progress? A resurgence of thriving salmon would release sea lions waiting at the mouth of the Snake from culpability. Now there’s an experiment I’d like to see. One year later, conduct physical tests from remote sensors, to inspect the sea lions and check to see how their population is thriving.

Purify the nectar for hummingbird feeders to a higher level, by aerating it back and forth between two glasses. Place regular sugar water (with the recommended essential vitamins) in a second feeder, then have a first-grade class observe them, while scribing in living color their dialectically determined judgments on which of the hummingbirds groups have the most uplifting flights of fancy.

Teaching a bird to parrot John Cleese skits. My hypothesis is that birds of a different color like these will sense the high level of humor they bring into their owners lives will thrive on average three years longer than the control group of non-humorous squawkers.

More novel research:

Invite a dog to bounce on one of those safe newfangled ground level trampolines. Toss him biscuits in the air, while loudly playing a Yogi Berra audio tape in the background. Record the frequency of biscuits caught compared to same efforts on empty stomachs without Berra’s coaching voice.

Smiling at birds. Plant an apple tree in your yard. Water frequently. Do not prune the tree for 37 years, so that the tiny Macintoshes will become unwanted by humans, but much desired by late winter bohemian waxwings passing through the area. Dress warm, quench your own thirst with a draught of strong apple cider, and then sit stone like in a strategic chair adjacent to the fermented apples. Make no quick moves, but practice smiling as broadly as possible in the bright sunshine, making clear eye contact with as many birds as possible. Report results.

Animal tests like these, I’m all for it, actually.

Leaving a tribute for the ants. For homes that have problems with ant infestations. Rather than spraying poisons throughout your house, leave a little food every morning in a far corner of the yard –away from the dwelling. See if this has any affect. Also have the kids inspect the ants to see if they can locate any dawdlers or does every ant seem like it’s on a serious mission?

Toward the end of our class period, my instructor turned to me and said, 'and you there you young whippersnapper' (about the nicest thing I’ve heard all year), 'keep up that critical thinking of yours!'

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